No diving in the shallow end of the pool

I am one of those people who judges others by their titles, their appearance, and sometimes even by how many Facebook friends they have. I hardly think I'm alone in doing this; people are sort of socially trained to be assholes. However, it's not even that I'm looking down upon these people. What is worse is that I compare myself to them. Clearly, someone who has gotten into graduate school is much more intelligent and successful than me. Someone in a long-term relationship is more loving and probably a nicer person than me. I am absurdly jealous of people who have the things I want most in life (mostly the graduate school and the sense of "prestige" I associate it so closely with.)

Such a seemingly low perception of myself could be easily remedied. I could start applying to graduate school again. I could try to appear more attractive. I could be doing a lot of things that I'm not doing right now. I have no idea when I became such a jealous, bitter, and ultimately lazy person. Along the way I think I became a hypocrite too. I forgot the hard work it took to even appear moderately successful. I don't know what happened to me; I think I used to have a lot of promise and I think that people really did expect me to become something. Either that or I've thought way too highly of myself for the past 22 years.

I don't know why I'm having such a hard time getting back into my life. I hate thinking I'm that girl that people know from high school or college who didn't amount to much at all. Hence you can now understand the irony of the title of this blog. I care a lot about what people think because I know I'm an asshole and a judger of people.

I blame late-night Facebook browsing for the above pity party horseshit. I really wish some days I was okay with not knowing what I want to be when I grow up, or being on my own (in most senses), or that things just didn't work out the way I once envisioned. Maybe for right now I just need a job that is and isn't getting me anywhere, late nights at the bars with friends not being serious about anything, and getting my fucking shit together once again. What's the big deal that 95% of the people I know seem to be much more satisfied than me?

Impervious; I am not.