No name

Today I remembered it was the birthday of one of my best friends from college. At one point in my life, she was numero uno; someone who knew all of my secrets and still wanted to be my friend. Despite being two extraordinarily different people, we shared common threads that paved the way for our transition into college life. There are few memories of my freshman through junior years that do not involve her. She was probably the closest thing I've had to a sister.

As most friendships go, we had squabbles every so often. The big one came at the end of our junior year. I was hurt, she told me she was sorry, and I came around to forgiving her. However, soon after this incident I became exceedingly aware that our differences were catching up to us and the bond of friendship started to crack. We both became busy with our own lives and doings and before we knew it, the cracks had become a rift, then a fault line, and eventually to what I would describe as a small canyon today.

Our attempts to bridge things back together haven't paid off. There have been the occasional "How are you"s and attempts to hold a conversation, but nothing substantial. It has been over a year since we've even seen one another.

There was a long period of time where I struggled with the notion that someone so connected to my sense of self for three years was just not there anymore. There was a point where I had convinced myself that she had pushed me away only to be followed by more overanalyzing that made me feel as though I was the one doing the pushing.

Having kissed away that guilt not a moment too soon, I sat down by my computer, logged into Facebook, and left her a simple "Happy Birthday!" message. The middle-school kid inside of me remembered I hadn't received such wishes on my birthday, but thankfully the 23-year-old me was finally able to tell that middle schooler to fuck off. Yes, a simple birthday message is really all I felt the need to say to her. This may start some sort of interaction between us that essentially goes nowhere and it's okay. There's a strong chance we will eventually lose touch with one another. I guess I welcome whatever open-ended communication happens between us.

To say she is no longer a friend is a big pill to swallow and for practical purposes possibly true. However, she will never be just another person I see walking down the street or some mutual acquaintance. She fills a capacity for which there really is no proper name, and perhaps that is what I struggle with the most.