Cognitive upchuck and the like

At last, I have returned. Call it a mental hiatus if you will, I wanted to take the last month and a half off from overanalyzing things. Due to some family complications, this hiatus wasn't as continual as I had hoped for. The following brain vomit is what I have been needing to write down for some time; my apologies for the sheer "suckiness" that ensues.

There was a death in my family. Death is a part of life, or so that crappy cliche goes. I personally think there is nothing natural about death and truth be told my death is something I have always feared. Blame this on my "lack" of spirituality or whatever you wish; I just know I like being in control and death doesn't really let you call the shots. Perhaps if Death came in the form of the animated grim reaper on Family Guy would I feel a little better about it.

Anyway, that last paragraph was garbage. What I really meant to say was that I lost one of the most meaningful people in my life last month and I am falling far short of being "okay" with it. Memories of this person cloud my thoughts every single day. I have so many questions I cannot answer, let alone the questions I'm not even sure how to ask. This death was his choice, not a rational choice in my opinion, but his choice. I am not sure if I have ever felt so betrayed or angry with someone. I want to tell him what a fucking chicken shit he was for doing what he did. Sometimes my ill-conceived notions of heaven allow me to think that he is watching over this world and that he can see my family unraveling. He can see my confusion and the mental clusterfuck that has made permanent residence inside my head. It is rare when I encounter an empathetic moment where I try to imagine his life leading up to his death. Sometimes I just don't care how bad he hurt because not even Machiavelli could argue that "the ends justified the means."

The good memories I have of this man are clouded by the negativity surrounding his death. My head knows that there is no point in being bitter because person I'm directing my anger to can do not a thing to respond. Dead, dead, dead, dead, done. He is gone.

I hope to someday put this behind me but for now we're both running at a steady pace, side by side. My anger and memories of him are my constant companions. His death has made me even more selfish than usual. I have pushed away friends and family who have tried to comfort me when any solace they could have offered should have been welcomed with open arms. What do you say to person who has lost someone because they just didn't feel like living anymore? The subject is so taboo in society that I don't even feel this blog is appropriate to share. However, I have to get it out and if I can't say this to someone's face, at least it is out of my head.

I miss him and for the first time in my life I've realized that hate and love are not on two different continuums but the same one. One of my relatives accurately described it as going from "a hug to a slug" in about 0.2 seconds. Many are the times I want to slug him, and hopefully more often will I feel the need to want to hug him.

So really, welcome to the event that has defined my life for the past month or so. However, the gloom and doom ends here.